Contradiction and Questions

I am a nice person. I’m kind, compassionate, caring. I enjoy building people up and making them feel good about themselves. It’s one of my favourite things to do actually. I also love it when I can say or do the right things to make someone feel better when they are down. I guess it’s why I became a social worker.

Even the cruel way I talk to the toy. I know he gets off on it. It feeds his subspace. He is an emotional masochist. So he benefits from my cruelty, making it ok to treat him that way.

The Contradiction

But truth be told, I enjoy it too. I get off on treating him cruelly. This is my sadistic side. I enjoy it when others suffer for me. Even when they don’t get off on pain (although I prefer it when they do).

The pet and my husband are not masochists. But they both take physical pain for me when I want them to. It took awhile to accept this part of me and now I do. It goes against all the things I described about myself earlier.

Why?

I still don’t know why I get off on this. Why do I want them to suffer, not in general, but for me? Maybe I’m afraid of the answer. Maybe it’s a simple answer, that I am addicted to feelings of power and control. I’m not sure though, because there are other ways to feel powerful and in control.

How?

Another question I have is how? How can these two sides (let’s call them sadistic and compassionate) co-exist in one person? It’s a contradiction. How can one be both sadistic and compassionate? And not feel fucked up about it?

Like truly, shouldn’t I feel more remorse after I, just for the hell of it, have caned my husband or made pet wear the really tight clamps? You would think a compassionate person would. I don’t think I do? At least it hasn’t stopped me from wanting to do it again, sometimes almost immediately.

Why and How??? These are my questions today. If anyone knows the answer, please enlighten me.

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6 thoughts on “Contradiction and Questions

  1. It isn’t always clear cut on the allure of inflicting suffering. Sometimes there different aspects of it that overlap and “talk” to different parts of you. Eg beyond sadistic desires there is the symbolism that someone is willing to suffer for you, and that appeals to a different set of emotions.

    I believe that most sadists have a set of parallel voices that coexist in a given moment, especially in Domspace. One may be kind and compassionate. One may be cruel. There may be others as well. Just because one speaks the loudest to you in a given moment doesn’t mean the others cease to exist. If you were to seriously injure your husband by accident, another voice would leap to the forefront. That being said, the voices may conflict or be in harmony depending upon the situation. When inflicting pain to a masochist a voice will enjoy that they want it. When inflicting pain on a non-masochist, another crueler voice may rise up and relish that they are suffering without enjoyment. It is rarely straight forward.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You don’t feel remorse when you’re administering what your husband and pet want because you are acting out of compassion for their needs. If you feel remorse for making others who are not identified as masochistic suffer, you have “normal” compassion.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. A thought provoking article Miss, i have in my pass had to feel pain for a Mistress, sometimes that was as a punishment and other times it was just something which She wanted me to feel. i can only guess as to why She liked me to feel pain. i think it did give Her a rush. Also, by Her knowing that a few words from Her and i would shed real tears and carry the marks for days to come, must have truly given Her the feeling of how powerful and in absolute control She was.

    Miss i believe compassion and the sadistic sides work well together when it comes to being a Mistress, you need them both, not only to satisfy your own feelings, but to ensure your male knows both sides of you.

    It is definitely nothing to be concerned about, hurting your male is just another tool in your tool box Miss, and you should be happy to use them all. And if hurting your male makes you feel good for whatever reason, then there is nothing wrong in you doing so.
    nikki

    Liked by 1 person

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