I am a nice person. I’m kind, compassionate, caring. I enjoy building people up and making them feel good about themselves. It’s one of my favourite things to do actually. I also love it when I can say or do the right things to make someone feel better when they are down. I guess it’s why I became a social worker.
Even the cruel way I talk to the toy. I know he gets off on it. It feeds his subspace. He is an emotional masochist. So he benefits from my cruelty, making it ok to treat him that way.
But truth be told, I enjoy it too. I get off on treating him cruelly. This is my sadistic side. I enjoy it when others suffer for me. Even when they don’t get off on pain (although I prefer it when they do).
The pet and my husband are not masochists. But they both take physical pain for me when I want them to. It took awhile to accept this part of me and now I do. It goes against all the things I described about myself earlier.
I still don’t know why I get off on this. Why do I want them to suffer, not in general, but for me? Maybe I’m afraid of the answer. Maybe it’s a simple answer, that I am addicted to feelings of power and control. I’m not sure though, because there are other ways to feel powerful and in control.
Another question I have is how? How can these two sides (let’s call them sadistic and compassionate) co-exist in one person? It’s a contradiction. How can one be both sadistic and compassionate? And not feel fucked up about it?
Like truly, shouldn’t I feel more remorse after I, just for the hell of it, have caned my husband or made pet wear the really tight clamps? You would think a compassionate person would. I don’t think I do? At least it hasn’t stopped me from wanting to do it again, sometimes almost immediately.
Why and How??? These are my questions today. If anyone knows the answer, please enlighten me.