Update to my Confession post
I ended it with the daddy. It got to be too much. I’m surprised how easy it was for me to fall, to cross the line. Role playing for kicks, ok. Subs, ok. “No Doms.” That was the line I crossed. I shudder to think had it continued how many other lines I would have crossed for him.
There were many lessons I learned from this experience:
I learned about the responsibility I have to those who have given me their submission. I was not the Mistress I should have been to them during that time. I cannot do both, dominate and submit, at the same time. It doesn’t work for me that way. Bottom, yes. Submit, no. I can’t do things half way. When I commit to something I’m all-in.
I learned about being honest with myself. I need to get better at this. I will get better. It’s a work in progress.
I learned not to hide, from myself and those I care about. If I’m tempted to, there’s a reason for it and I had better look at what that reason is.
I learned how much I stood to lose. I hurt people I care about during this and could have lost them. It so wasn’t worth it.
I learned about my love for my husband and what betraying him could have cost me.
So lots of learning for this one. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful the fog in my brain has cleared and I’m getting back on track, being the Mistress I need to be.
Let’s try one of those “being honest with myself” exercises by asking “How do I feel about him now?” Well, it would help to compare with how I felt about him during that time:
I had an overwhelming desire to please him. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted to please him and hear words of praise. When he was disappointed in me, I was crushed. I no longer feel this desire.
But I do worry if he were to contact me again, would I be tempted? Being honest, I think the temptation would be there but I would NOT allow myself to do it. I have too much to lose to be that stupid and naive again. The longer it goes without hearing from him, the easier this will become. That first day, after I ended it, took a lot of will power not to contact him. If I can make it through that, I can absolutely resist the temptation.
There was a heightened sexual attraction to him. His looks, his body, his demeanour. Strange, as these things were never really important to me before. However, if I’m being totally honest, which I’m trying to be, I was flattered that someone like him took an interest in me. But again, I’m not sure why that had an impact on me on this time, as I’ve had other attractive men come on to me before? The physical attraction is still there.
I revered him and put him on a pedestal. He got into my head. When I had doubts, when I would question, he would convince me not to overthink, to let him do all thinking. I have to be honest and say it felt good it have someone else make decisions for me. I think this was too easy because it came at a time when I was under a lot of stress and depression, and therefore more vulnerable. Timing is everything. I still have him on that pedestal, but I believe this will fade in time.
Friends tell me he took advantage of me. That he used my lack of experience to get into my head. Perhaps that’s true, however I take full responsibility for allowing it to happen. I could have said no. He simply gave me what I was asking for, to experience that particular dynamic. Is it his fault he is good at what he does? Is this making excuses for him? Maybe.
I will end with this. There was a perfect storm of factors that lead to this mistake in my life. Factors such as stress, depression, lack of attention from a husband who was absent much of the time (not his fault) created feelings of vulnerability. Combined with a curious nature and desire to explore, it was prefect timing to fall prey to my own weaknesses.
But I take those lessons learned, pick up and move on. Hopefully as a wiser, more self-aware person.
(By the way, for anyone interested I have another blog. MissusMistress was created so I could write freely without the husband and subs reading what I write about them, since they have access to other one. If interested my other one is called Journey to Submission??? Some of you already follow me there.)