Contemplation

I was going to reply to Curious Mermaid’s post “How to keep busy when my partner is on a date” but then decided since I’m kind of struggling with that issue a bit myself right now I’d write my post about it.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that MrDom has a vanilla girlfriend. I’ve never felt threatened by their relationship. Perhaps it’s because she’s vanilla and so is not able to meet his needs the way I am? Perhaps because she lives out of town also and doesn’t get to see him often either? Perhaps because he makes me feel secure in his feelings for me?

Probably D: all of the above.

VGF (Vanilla Girl Friend) will be spending Saturday to Sunday with him this weekend. Not unusual. And I will get to see him Friday (we are going to see a play) and maybe tonight at the dungeon (he won’t tell me for sure.) So I know I shouldn’t be selfish. Particularly because she hasn’t gotten to see him in a few weeks and I know she misses him a lot. Plus I just spent a weekend in Toronto with him, so I really shouldn’t be complaining.

But this is my blog so like the song goes “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”. Only in this instance I’m not crying, I’m complaining. And it’s not a party, it’s a blog.

With everything else going on in my life (home and work stress, but especially home stress), I’m feeling extra super-d-duper needy. I hate that. Along with feeling  vulnerable, feeling needy is a yucky feeling for me. But it is what it is.

I want to spend Saturday to Sunday with him. I’m envious that she gets to, despite all the factors I listed above. I could argue that I’m more in need of his time and attention right now but that wouldn’t be fair. Not to her (she has her own needs) and not to him (he doesn’t need to feel guilty over this).

I knew when we started that VGF existed. So I will do as I always do in this case and keep myself busy. I have a number of activities I can choose from that will keep be occupied. That is my suggestion to Curipus Mermaid – keep yourself and your mind occupied. Don’t wallow and wonder what he (or they) are up to.

———————-

I think I need to re-examine what poly means to me. I’ve always believed that we can love more than one person at a time. I also know jealousy and envy are normal human emotions that surface even in poly relationships. I believe if partners are able to establish boundaries, rules and very good communication, it can work favourably.

But believing this and experiencing it are two different things. Am I cut out for a poly relationship? I don’t know. Maybe it depends on what kind of poly relationship it is (there are as many versions as there are relationships). Maybe it depends on how involved I am, or we are together, each other’s relationships.

I really love reading about ddjennifer’s live-in triad relationship. I’ve been following her for over a year now and am continuously intrigued. To watch how their relationship has evolved has been amazing. From starting out simply with Domestic Discipline between her and her husband Mike. To having that evolve into deep submission (I would even say slave-like). To adding young Kayla into their relationship. Even coming out to their kids and family about it (this took some time). To Mike ordering and/or allowing Jennifer to date and have sex with another man (Mike’s friend). To their own swinging tendencies with other partners. It has all been extremely interesting to read about.

Anyway I have to cut this short because it’s another Wicked Wednesday and I’m off to the dungeon to see what will unfold tonight.

I’m feeling better having put my feelings out there.

One thought on “Contemplation

  1. Thank you for the shout out. You hit the mark when you wrote that you need to figure out what poly means to you. That is all that matters. Once done, then it’s about finding like-minded individuals. Not clones of what you want, just compatible with what you want. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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