Changes are happening.
I am learning what I want/need.
I am learning it’s ok to want and need those things.
I am learning to be honest with myself and my partners. Telling them what they want to hear, out of a desire to please or out of a fear of disappointing them, does not benefit them or me.
I lived many years suppressing my true desires, suppressing who I was. I can’t, I won’t, do that again. I’ve come this far to go back to living in oppression.
I want to live, and love, free. I want to explore new things, connect to new people, form new relationships. Both with a partner and with the freedom to do so on my own.
I want to kneel at someone’s feet and find comfort in belonging. To show my devotion in suffering for them, serving them. But I want that someone to accept me, for me… all of me, and be happy in my explorations.
I want to fly and experience and return to tell them all about it. For them to be happy in my excitement and my experiences. I believe all oppressed people, once finally free, want that. Need that.
I want to relish in their excitement of new experiences as well. And listen while they share their happiness, or struggles, with me.
I want to give someone the comfort of belonging to me. To allow them to sore and grow. To hear their experiences and be happy for them. To have them suffer for me, to feel my control over them, because it is what we both need.
Is all this a selfish, indulgent, unrealistic dream of mine? Does such a life really exist?
I don’t know. But if I don’t try I will never know. I will always feel like that caged bird. I want to take the leap and fly.
It would be nice to have someone to fly back to at the end of the day, to settle in their arms and hear them say “tell me all about it little birdie.”
It’s a lot to ask for. I know that.