I believe the biggest difference between a slave and a sub is the fact that subs have some freedom and slaves have none. Also a sub can negotiate when they don’t particularly agree with something where is a slave does not have that privilege.
I know he’s training me to be his slave one day. We’ve talked about it many times. The idea of being his slave appeals to a large part of me. But another part balks at it. I don’t know if I could live the life of a slave. It means giving up like all the freedoms…. Then again, it’s an appealing thought…. to give it all over and have him decide everything for me.
The reason I vacillate between my desire to be his slave vs wanting to remain his sub is not so much a matter of trust anymore. Initially I didn’t think it would be possible because I didn’t fully trust him. (I have a hard time trusting people on a deeper level.)
But I’ve come to understand that it takes a long while before your Dom really gets to know you. A friend of mine told me it takes about 3 years. So yeah, mistakes are made sometimes and I am learning to forgive while continuing to trust.
What causes me to raise the stop sign on slavery is the thought of giving up all of the freedoms. Some I can hand over gladly. Want to own my body and do what you will with it? Done. In fact, I’m already his sex slave. He owns this body and uses it however he desires to. And I thrive under his demonstrations of ownership, in whatever form they come.
But this does not make me his slave in all aspects.
You see, right now at this point in my life I still want the freedom to make certain choices for myself. Most of these choices pertain to what I do with my time. Something came up this past weekend while we attended a BDSM event that shone a light directly on this issue.
I like the freedom to socialize. I see other subs at the dungeon who appear free to go off and interact with others all the time. Somewhere along the way I came to believe that I must be by MrDom’s side the entire time (unless I seek permission to leave for a specific reason.)
It doesn’t really matter where this idea came from, the result is the same. I came to believe that I was expected to be by his side when we are at the dungeon.
And it struck me this weekend that this expectation has more slavish undertones as opposed to subish. And I came to resent him a little bit for it.
In all fairness, he had given me an order to be someplace and I wasn’t where he needed me to be. I was having a conversation with some people. Later I was reprimanded for this, hence the resentment, and it opened a can of worms.
We communicated. I shared with him that I felt I wasn’t given any time to socialize with my friends while at the dungeon. He clarified that I am free to socialize but when he tells me he needs or wants me for something, he expects me to respond without delay.
Ok. That’s totally fair and I accept this.
The problem is if I’m socializing with someone I feel rude interrupting them, to say I have to attend to my Dom. This has gotten me into trouble before. I’ve made him wait while I’ve tried to figure out a polite way to leave the conversation.
He doesn’t like to be made to wait. He’s made this very clear to me on more than one occasion.
So I need to work on this.
An idea just came to mind that may help me in this regard. What if he were to come up with an outward symbol that signifies to me his expectation at that time? Something that tells me I’m not to leave his side. It doesn’t have to be something overt, like a leash or the ball and chain that locks onto my ankle (literally a cast iron ball and chain). Not always anyway. Maybe something he can slip onto my wrist? And then when he takes it off it symbolizes I have the freedom to choose to stay by his side or to go socialize until it’s put back on?
Or the other way around. When I have it on it means I’m free to come and go, when I have it off I’m to stay at his side.
I don’t want to imply here that I don’t enjoy being with him. I enjoy our time together very much! I find calmness and acceptance when kneeling or sitting at his feet. I find pleasure in serving him and meeting his needs. Truly.
I also enjoy talking with others at the dungeon. I am a social person. Shy at first but when I’ve made friends I like to spend time with them. And for so many years in my former marriage this need to socialize and have friends was stunted.
I was lonely and depressed for so long and now that that part of my life is over, I’m enjoying the fact that I once again have friends to interact with. And yes, I became resentful (triggered?) when I felt this being threatened (even if it was by my own interpretation of things).
He reads my blogs. He’s going to read this one. We communicated about this when the issue came up but I’ve gone into more detail here.
And now I am going to trust that he will understand and take what I’ve written into consideration. He has proven to be very understanding -once I’m able to formulate my thoughts into words. So I will lay this out here and leave it to him to decide what to do with the information.
I trust you.