Where oh where did my Dominance go?

I’ve asked myself (and been asked), “Where is your Dominance?” I identify as a switch, after all. So this is my attempt to process that question…. 

Since discovering my Dominant side a few years ago. I have referred to myself as a “sub-leaning switch”. I’ve always said that submission is my happy place.

However, I had urges to Dominate, to take control over another. I found it thrilling to have that kind of power over someone, to command, and to be served…. Ahhh to be served, with a sub at my feet, at my beck and call…. It was lovely. 

Even when I was someone’s sub, I still had those desires and need to Dom. I enjoyed my online subs, until online D/s was no longer fulfilling. I enjoyed my baby boy, until that became exhausting for various reasons. I enjoyed my subgirl, until I had to face the reality that I was not getting back what I was investing into that dynamic. 

Now those have ended and I am simply a submissive to my Sir. 

Do I miss it? 

No, I do not. 

Well then, why not? That, there, is the question, isn’t it?

The thing is, I am absolutely thriving where I am at, being Sir’s submissive. I am… well, I’m happy! And I feel fulfilled. I really don’t feel a need, urge, or desire to be someone’s Dom now.

Why not, when before, as a sub to someone else, I still had those needs? 

It’s difficult to answer that here because it would mean comparing what I had before to what I have now. I don’t want to do that. Not here. Suffice it to say, I think in my previous dynamic I was holding on to something I could be in control of. It was not possible for me to let go completely and be vulnerable, without a lifeline to something else, something I could be in control of, back then.

When that dynamic ended, I threw myself into being a Dom. I played as a bottom occasionally. But I believed there was a strong possibility that I would not be able to submit to anyone again. There was no way I was going to open myself up, to be vulnerable, only to be hurt and disappointed, and to fail. I thought I was a terrible submissive anyway, so I might as well focus on being a good Dominant. 

But the problem was that as time passed, my need to submit started creeping back in. I tried ignoring it at first, but it just got stronger. Bottoming was not cutting it. I needed to belong to someone. I needed to give myself, to serve, to have a reason to suffer for someone. 

So I manifested my need and not long after that Sir entered my life.

By contrast, when I ended my dynamic with subgirl, that didn’t happen in regards to my Dominance. I haven’t had that need come creeping in. And I find it very telling that I was able to toss my D-side away with relative ease.

Does that mean I’m not a Dominant after all? 

Hmm….

After some thought, here’s what I’ve come up with, and it’s not complicated… I have Dominant tendencies, and I can be a Dom again, if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. I’m far too invested in submitting to Sir. I don’t need a lifeline because Sir is authentic, and I 100% believe that he has the want, and the ability, to care for my physical, mental and emotional well being.

Now, just because I’m not a practicing Dom, does not mean I’m not a sadist. I still find pleasure in inflicting pain and playing as a Top. I’m dying to do needles on someone again. I want to staple someone. I would enjoy the pleasure of sexually torturing a person again, male or female, with forced orgasms for the female, and tease and denial for the male. The thrill of flogging, paddling, biting, scratching, hitting is still present in me, albeit not as strong at the moment. 

The bottom line is this: I feel very happy and very fulfilled where I’m at in my life. I am super content to be here, submitting to Sir, learning how to be a better submissive for him, growing as a person, and doing my best to serve and please him. 

So, “sub-leaning switch”… “sadistic submissive”… “non-practicing Dom”… these are some creative and fancy titles I could give myself, if I really cared to slap on a label. But the only label I truly care about at the moment is much simpler…. “His” … and I will wear that one proudly.