This week’s TMI Tuesday was all about polyamory. I’ve avoided writing on this subject because it’s complicated and kind of messy. Just thinking about writing about it felt daunting.
But when the question came up, “Is polyamory something you want?“, I had to really take look at this. My answer became long and detailed enough to require a post of it’s own, so here goes…
When I met Sir, I told him I was polyamorous. He told me he was monogamous. That was fine for both of us, because we were just going to be play partners, occasionally getting together to play and fuck when we could, working around other relationships, until such time that he found a mono partner.
Yeah, well we can see how well that plan worked out, can’t we? We fell hard and fast for each other, and it was utterly unexpected. We were left with the question of what do we do now? I’m poly, he’s mono. We should end it now and save each other the heartache, right?
Probably. But neither of us wanted to end it. We just felt so right, and so good, together. So we had several really hard conversations about what to do, what could we each compromise on, what aren’t we prepared to give up. When I say hard, I mean those were hard conversations to have. At any point it could have been all over for us.
We both recognized the need to be open and honest. If, at the end of the day, we came across something neither of us could budge on, well, at least we would know early on, and could go our separate ways before we got too invested in each other’s lives.
So he took the time to consider what he was willing to compromise on. He came to a decision about what he could accept for now, with a willingness to continue to work on trying to be more open one day.
I took the time to really assess who was in my life and what I was getting out of those relationships. I had to ask myself what I was willing to give up in order to keep them in my life.
There were people I could rule out pretty quickly. Some others took more time and were more difficult to come to a decision about. A few I decided to keep in my life – people I play with who I consider important to me, who value me as I deserve to be valued.
After making these changes, we communicated some more. We came to a compromise we both could live with…
* Until/unless our relationship is strong and stable enough, sex with other people is off the table. Sex is defined as “fucking and/or sucking”. I am realistic in knowing that he may never get to the point where he will be ok with me having sex with other people. What can I say about that? It’s a chance I’m willing to take. Plus, I’m not entirely sure how I will feel with the shoe on the proverbial other foot. Can I handle him giving to another woman what he gives to me, making her feel the way he makes me feel?
* Playing with others is acceptable, as long as it doesn’t violate the above.
* He made the stipulation that if one of us has plans to play with someone else, there will be no further communication between us until the following day. He said this is the fair thing to do, so that the play, and the person we are engaging with, have our undivided attention.
I’m not quite sure how I feel about this stipulation. First, when I play with someone it’s not overly long, certainly not all night long. It can be an hour or two, maybe three tops? So if I play early in the day and we get done around 4pm for example, I would feel like I was being punished if I can’t talk to Sir until the following day. This is triggering for me.
Secondly, if it were the other way around and he were playing with someone else, I would appreciate hearing from him after he was done, to ease any possible anxiety I might be feeling about that.
I’ve shared this with Sir. So far, he has stuck to his decision, but has agreed to consider it. Perhaps on a case by case basis?
So those are the boundaries we agreed to. You may be wondering if I’m feeling deprived, if I feel I’m missing something, or not living my truth.
Those questions would be valid.
However, the answer is no.
And that got my head all confused and messed up. I mean, I should be feeling that way, shouldn’t I? I’m a poly in a mono relationship.
And yet, I don’t. I don’t feel deprived or disingenuous. I kept waiting for it though. I kept waiting for that something’s missing feeling. But it hasn’t come. Just happiness, love, and fulfillment.
Perhaps because he didn’t shut everything down? I saw that he was able to compromise, and that he was open to working on himself, for me, just as I am, for him.
I wrote on my TMI Tuesday blog that I consider myself to be a non-practising polyamorist. Like those non-practising Christians out there, who still believe, even though they don’t practice. I don’t have to give up my beliefs, even if I’m not exactly living them.
Look at it this way. Take someone who is gay, but they aren’t in a relationship. It doesn’t mean they aren’t gay anymore, right? Or a bisexual who is in a monogamous relationship with someone of the opposite gender. It doesn’t make them less bisexual.
I am a polyamorist in a relationship with a monogamist. And yet I’m happy, content, and fulfilled, the vast majority of time. Maybe one day my relationship with Sir will be more open. And maybe it won’t be. I am trusting him when he tells me he is working on it. I am also hearing him when he tells me he may never get there.
In the meantime, I’m going to contimue to thrive in this relationship…. I’d be a fool not to.