Obedience oriented submissive

I’ve had a discovery of what I am, but I still don’t know what I need…


I started reading a new book, called “Conquer Me” by Kacie Cunningham and almost immediately I had a profound realization about my submissive self.

I am not a sevice-oriented submissive. That’s not the realization though. I’ve known that about myself for a while now. The realization is not what kind of submissive I’m not, it’s what kind of submissive I am.  Ok, ready, here it comes:

I am an obedience-oriented submissive.

It sounds so obvious, right? Like, duh, of course you are, that’s what being submissive is all about, obeying your Dominant. But maybe because obedience is so inherent to D/s, it’s often overlooked and that’s why it isn’t often used as it’s own title to describe a certain sub-type of a submissive.

For me, “service sub” has never truly described me, even though there are times I do enjoy serving. It was close enough, but not quite. Slave doesn’t describe me. Bottom doesn’t quite cut it. Same with bratty submissive or S.A.M. (sassy assed masochist). But I didn’t have an alternative that fit. Until now: obedience-oriented submissive.

Kacie writes the following:

I’m one of those girls who will happily serve, and feel fulfilled doing so, if the service is requested, required, or compelled in some way… There are even times when I feel so overcome with submissive feeling, I simply serve as an expression of that. I don’t serve in order to feel submissive, I serve because I already do feel submissive, though those times are rare. But obedience… now that’s where I get my real jollies. When I’m doing something because I’m told to, it’s delicious. Particularly if I know there are consequences for disobedience … There are submissives who don’t really get a charge out of performing acts of service unless they have been requested or ordered, because then, it’s really about obedience.

Holy shit, she just described me! I want him to make me do it, either because he’s demanding it verbally, or gives me “that look”, or triggers my s mindset. If my Dom is not going to demand obedience from me, I may struggle to give it freely, and I may struggle to feel submissive at times.

Soo what happens when it isn’t demanded of me?

  • Maybe I start to brat more, in order to push him into demanding me to submit or disciplining me.
  • Maybe I try to bring on submission myself through serving, even when I don’t feel like it. This can work for a bit, but eventually it will have that  somewhat “empty” feeling to it. My submission cannot be sustained this way.
  • If it goes on for too long, maybe I start to starve. More accurately my submission starves. That can be detrimental.

In Chapter Five, Kacie writes that it’s not only ok to tell your Dom what your needs are, but in doing so you are actually helping your Dominant to grow (and you, by proxy). Even when you tell your Dominant what your needs are, and at first he doesn’t know how to meet them, if he is willing to find the answer, he is challenging himself, learning and growing. You therefore grow and learn and are challeneged as well (you know, that D/s circle thing).

However, the struggle for me lately has been not knowing what my needs are. Kacie writes:

He pushes me in the direction that I need to be moving, and he knows what I need because (cue the shock and awe)… I took the time to figure it out and then… horrors! I actually had the audacity to tell him!

That’s the part I am struggling with currently… figuring out what I need. Because lately I feel I need something, (something more perhaps?) I’m just not sure what that it is. It’s been so frustrating!

What is it that is lacking for me? It is not my desire to submit -that is still strong, stronger than ever. It is not that I question whether he is truly Dominant -there is no doubt in my mind!

Is it a purpose? Is it direction? Are those what I feel are lacking in my submission, in our D/s right now? I keep having this recurring thought, I want to be taken to the next level, for our D/s to evolve to the next level. But honestly, I don’t know what that next level is! Maybe it’s something more…. formalized? 

And so I haven’t discussed this with Sir yet. Kacie writes “He needs to know what is happening inside of me so that he can most effectively dominate me…” But if I don’t know what is happening inside of me, how can he know?

I feel like what’s happening inside of me lately is just a bunch of swirling, ambiguous thoughts about needing to pushed, needing direction, needing to be taken to the next level…  without knowing what that is or in what direction I need to be pushed in. How do I have that discussion with Sir without having all the pieces? It would be like handing him a puzzle and expecting him to put it all together, without giving him all the pieces. And that’s not very fair.


And so another day passes with these half formed, vague thoughts and feelings, these undefined desires, stuck inside my brain.

6 thoughts on “Obedience oriented submissive

  1. OMG this! This fits me so well! I have never been able to describe how I don’t like things and yet I respond to them, but it makes sense that they are all forms of obedience. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. hmm interesting so i guess i am a service obedient slave. i don’t need or desire sex for my satisfaction just as long as l serve. Doing the dishes, fetching snacks, cleaning, cooking. don’t always have to be told.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So tell us more about this book. It sounds like I might find it interesting. I’ve never heard of it before.
    Glad you’re finding out more about yourself! That can be very helpful.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This was very thought provoking. Thank you! I like pondering such things. Two things came to my mind: 1 . “I don’t serve in order to feel submissive, I serve because I already do feel submissive.” I find this a self fulfilling loop. I serve because i feel submissive, except when I am not feeling submissive. In those cases, I force myself to serve, and then discover that through that service, I feel submissive. It’s a great “win-win” for my submissive tickle spot!
    2. Having a contract that has become so engrained in my day to day life serves as that ever present “demand” from my husband. He may not have ordered me to behave a particular way today, but he ordered it in our agreement, thus I know he expects it of me today. And further, if he doesn’t get it, I will be held accountable.
    So – i identify as both service oriented and obedience oriented? Does that me bi-submissive? Lol.

    Liked by 2 people

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